Becoming More Read online

  “Hey there baby girl.” Sander smiles and gives me a quick kiss on the lips before gesturing me further into the room. To my right is a guy sitting with his back to me. He looks busy on his computer, but Sander speaks up anyway.

  “Bryan, this is my girlfriend, Lilly,” Sander says.

  Bryan clicks a few more things on his computer before he turns and faces me.

  He’s kind of cute in that jock kind of way. His shoulders are wide and muscular, and his hair is a mousy brown color cut short enough that it’s above his ears. His eyes are a dull, boring brown, but I suppose some girls would find them attractive. They definitely aren’t Sanders eyes though. Sander’s may be brown, but they have honey highlights streaking away from the pupil. The flecks remind me of the dim stars in the night’s sky. They mesmerize me. I’d rather gaze in those eyes all day than to look in Bryan’s. Bryan’s mouth turns up into a smirk, which I’ve grown to learn from Sander means a man thinks I’m hot. It’s obvious, with the raise of Sander’s eyebrow, that he can tell Bryan thinks so, but he doesn’t say anything.

  “What’s up?” he says finally, shaking me out of my thoughts. “So I imagine you’ll be here pretty often huh?” He winks at me.

  I inwardly groan, “Maybe. You liking it here so far?” I ignore his obvious flirtation. I don’t really know what else to say. I’ve never been good with meeting new people—that’s Laurens forte. Plus, I get really annoyed with this type of guy. I can already tell he’s going to hit on me every time I come over. Ugh.

  “Yeah it’s alright. The dorms are small and boring, but I’m going to hang up some movie posters and shit. I got a couple naked babes just begging to be spread out around here…” He snickers at his immature double entendre. He points over his bed and by his desk.

  Cringing, I wrinkle my nose. I don’t know what to say to that. Naked girls hanging on a boy’s wall just grosses me out. I’m not stupid. I know what they do when they are looking at those pictures. I mean I get it, the girls are usually pretty hot, and what guy doesn’t want to see a hot, naked girl? But on your wall for everyone to see when they walk in? Not very classy. Of course, we are college kids and these are college guys. I guess being “classy” isn’t exactly something they worry about, but still. Yuck. Pictures of Bryan and Sander jerking it off in their bedroom makes my stomach tighten with disgust. One, Sander shouldn’t be looking at other girls to get off and two, Bryan doing anything is just gross.

  “Please tell me you aren’t one of those bitchy girls that get all pissed off when her boyfriend looks at another girl,” Bryan seethes.

  I’m just about to rip him a new one. I can handle someone teasing or joking with me. I can handle someone not liking me. I, however, have trouble handling someone that has been eyeing me like a piece of steak since I walked through the door and has continued to talk down to me as if I’m a child. There is only so much of asshole that I can take before I’m ready to explode. I’m already about to reach that threshold and it’s only been like what, five minutes? God. I can’t believe Sander thought I’d like this douchebag.

  “Lilly isn’t like that,” Sander says. He can probably tell that I’m beyond angry at this point. And he totally just lied to his roommate. I don’t appreciate my boyfriend looking at other girls. That’s just disrespectful. I mean he can look at me. I’m not holding anything back. He doesn’t need a naked girl on his wall when he can look at a naked me. Right? And he definitely doesn’t need to be looking at some other girl walking by, especially if I’m standing right next to him. I know that just because he has a girlfriend doesn’t mean his eyes just all of the sudden disappear. But seriously, if he can’t control his eyes enough to keep them off a girl’s ass when he’s with his girlfriend—well, I don’t think I’d be all that interested. Maybe that’s just me.

  I’ve never really had that problem with Sander either. The fact that this asshat wants to sit here and put down our relationship when its been working just fine for us…Well it puts me in attack mode. Suddenly, I want to maul him like an angry tiger, or lioness, or something equally badass.

  “Yeah, sure,” Bryan mutters. He’s laughing. I can’t believe he actually thinks this is funny. I wonder if he would still think it’s funny if I did what I’m thinking of doing; which is clawing out his eyes, ripping out his hair and shoving his balls down his throat.

  “Excuse me, what is your problem?” I bark out.

  His smile widens, “Oh you are going to be fun, aren’t you?”

  I narrow my eyes, “What the hell is that supposed to mean, jacka-”

  Sander interrupts me and simultaneously glares at me. As if to say I’m in the wrong here? Yeah right. Bull fucking shit.

  “Lilly, he’s just messing with you. No big deal. Right, babe?” he asks with begging eyes. He wants me to play nice with Bryan. He’s joking right? There is no way he actually thinks I’m going to let this punk talk to me like I’m some random piece of ass.

  I turn my angry eyes to Sander, “Let’s see if I ever show you the naked pictures I took for you. Fat fucking chance,” I hiss out. “Why don’t you go play fuck buddies with your new BFF!” I say angrily.

  “Hold up. Wait.” Sander holds up his hands trying to settle me. “Babe. Babbbeee,” he drawls out. “You took naked pictures?” A smug smile spreads on his face.

  I roll my eyes. “Don’t you dare give me that look, Sander. You won’t be seeing them, so it doesn’t even matter.”

  “I’d like to see those,” Bryan interrupts, laughing.

  I point at Bryan. “Have you lost your ever loving mind?! How have you not been beaten to a pulp because of the stupid BS that comes out of you?”

  Bryan flexes his arm muscles. “Have you looked at me? I dare someone to throw a punch at me.”

  I step towards him ready to give his face a nice hard smack when Sander grabs me around the waist and puts his lips to my ear.

  “Lil, baby girl, please try and play nice,” he whispers for only me to hear.

  I weigh my options quickly. I can either continue this argument with Bryan, or I can take a deep breath and try to play it cool for Sander.

  That’s his roommate. I’m going to be dealing with him for the rest of this year. I probably should try and lengthen my fuse. I’ll have no choice if I’m going to be around this fucking asshole.

  Bryan is looking back and forth between me and Sander, and I can see there is mischief in those eyes. That worries me. If he says one more stupid thing, I can’t make any promises that I won’t say something back.

  Bryan watches as the anger evaporates from my body. I’m taking deep breaths, calming myself. I need to be good. I need to get along with this guy, for Sanders sake.

  “Shit man… You got this bitch wrapped around your finger. I bet she does anything you ask her to, right man?” Bryan asks and lifts his fist to Sander, silently asking for him to “pound it.” I watch in horror as a grin comes across Sander’s face and he actually puts his fist against Bryans.

  “Are you kidding me?” I ask loudly. That’s it. Sander is in some serious trouble.

  “Lilly, chill out, would ya?” Sander begs.

  “EXCUSE ME?!” I screech. I feel my blood beginning to pick up pace and boil. I look down at my hands and notice my body is trembling. I’m at that point where I can barely see straight. I turn on my heel and storm out the door. I’m just about to reach the stairs when I’m gripped by my elbow and turned roughly around, elbowing the person that grabbed me.

  “Baby, don’t take everything so seriously,” Sander says huskily into my ear.

  “Back up, Sander,” I whisper.

  He tilts my chin up and lays a small kiss on my lips. “You know I didn’t mean any of that, I’m just trying to get along with this guy. I’d rather be his friend than his enemy if we have to be roommates.”

  I look into his eyes. “Sander, I don’t like being talked to like that. You’ve never acted like that before.”

  “Baby girl, I’m sorry alright? Let’s
just go for a walk or something and get some fresh air. I didn’t mean it.” He runs his hand down my arm and then leans down and kisses my cheek.

  “Fine. But don’t talk to me like that again,” I say, giving up.

  As the day drew on, it went smoother after that rather large hiccup. I still can’t believe Sander acted like that, but I guess when he’s trying to make friends sometimes he says and does things he doesn’t actually mean. So I decide to forgive him this time. Plus, he’s never acted like that before. He probably won’t do it again.

  Sander and I go for walk and find a couple cool hang out areas that look pretty popular. There’s an empty grass field where tons of guys are running around and playing some sort of sport. In one section guys are throwing a football, in another section they’re throwing a Frisbee. Girls are sitting around watching and chatting with each other. We both laugh when a burly man trying to catch a football flies through the air and falls into the group of girls. They all scream and scurry away.

  At first, Lauren texts me a couple of times, begging me to come back to the room. I guess she got bored. Eventually she tires of texting me though. I assume she’s found some girls on our floor to hang out with. Lauren has always been able to make friends pretty quickly. Lucky bitch has always been extremely outgoing.

  Sander and she can talk and talk and goof off and never tire of one another. It’s awesome having my two best friends get along as well as they do. It’s pretty amazing actually. It’s like they are family or something the way they act. Which is why it surprised me earlier today when Lauren was telling me I needed to be single and sleep

  around. Really? Sander would go off on her if he knew she said that.

  Tonight is important. Lauren and I have discussed it—we must look the hottest we have ever looked. For tonight… is our first Thirsty Thursday. How tonight goes will determine the next four years of our college careers. We have to make it count. Classes start on Monday, and tonight will be when we meet the fellow partygoers. Tonight we meet the fun people, the cool crowd, our friends for life.

  These will be the people that will keep us from going absolutely insane when college is weighing on our shoulders so heavily we can’t breathe. The parties we end up at tonight will determine where we spend the rest of our Thirsty Thursdays. This will be the biggest night of my life.

  Okay, I’m being dramatic. I know. Sander already told me it isn’t that big of a deal but I always talk myself up when I’m nervous and excited. I just want college to be different than high school. I want to have fun and feel like I’m actually living instead of being locked up away from the freedom I’ve been yearning for since I entered high school.

  Because I find tonight to be of such high importance, I am going all out with my hair, make up, and clothes. No holding back for Lilly today, nope. While Lauren and I get ready in our room, Sander and his roommate are scouting out the very best parties they can find. Sander says Bryan knows some of the guys on the football team, so they are going to find out where they all party. Though I have to admit, I don’t really trust Bryan’s taste in anything. Whatever. If we end up at a lame party I’ll just add that to my list of reasons why Bryan sucks ass, which is becoming a remarkably long list already.

  I take my time making sure my makeup is perfect. I would never put this much on if I weren’t going for a mysterious sort of look tonight. I want to be different than I was in high school, so no holding back. If I want to dress like a fucking hooker, I will. Not that I want to, but I could. Now that all of the makeup is on, I can’t help but think this really is more make-up than I’m used to wearing. But Lauren swears I look like a babe, so I’ll go along with it. My eye shadow is heavy enough I almost feel like it’s weighing down my eyelids, but honestly it brings out my green eyes. I caked on mascara too. Again, not like I need this much, but it can’t hurt. My eyelashes are naturally pretty long but the extra make-up really brings them out. When I look in the mirror my eyes are the first things I notice. Which isn’t a bad thing. It’s probably one of my best features. My long, curled brown locks fall into soft curls around my jaw. They frame my face perfectly and delicately fall down my back. My mini black dress hugs my hips—the hips that are impossible to buy for because they are too wide. It’s my least favorite part of my body. I’ve tried a million different ways to lose those hips, but they aren’t going anywhere. The dress has thin straps, but they are thick enough that I can wear a normal bra. Thank God. Going braless is not an option with this chest. My 34 D cup does not like being held with a strapless bra, plus those suckers are uncomfortable! I usually do whatever I can to find sexy shirts and dresses that allow me to wear a normal bra. And this dress is perfect. It’s hot. It cuts into a low v in the front and the hem reaches my upper thigh. There can be no falling over tonight, unless I want to show everyone my lacy black thong. Which, I would rather not. That is only for Sander’s eyes—he’s going to love it.

  Lauren looks hot tonight too. We really did outdo ourselves. Her bright blonde hair is straightened. She’s applied even more make up than I have. But then again, she always does. She’s wearing a blue strapless dress, which she can do. I fight the bubble of jealousy that always strikes me when I see how easily she can wear anything. She’s skinny everywhere. Guys claim to like curves, but her curves are barely there and still guys think she’s gorgeous. She’s tall too. Probably around 5’10, while I’m around 5’4. She towers over me. I’m putting on my black pumps to make up three inches, and she’s slipping on a dressy flip-flop. Lauren and I make our way carefully down the stairs to the lobby to meet up with the boys.

  Sander’s eyes widen when he sees me in my new dress and my hair all nice and curly. I know he thinks I look nice, but Bryan cuts in before Sander even has the opportunity to make a comment.

  “Damn girl,” he begins and crooks an eyebrow up, “You look fucking hot.” Sander’s smile widens with Bryan’s words. Weird. You’d think your boyfriend would be upset with some other guy ogling you. Guess not. Hmm. Maybe if I drop my purse on the ground and lean over to pick it up in front of Bryan I could get a rise out of Sander. No, bad idea. I need to lighten up; the night’s just starting. Lauren walks out of the restroom and Bryan about falls over. “And who are you? Damn. Why don’t you hike that silk blue shit up a little higher? I wouldn’t mind seeing a little more, ya feel me?” His eyes run slowly over her body. Lauren only laughs and introduces herself.

  Bryan and Sander look oddly similar from behind. Lauren and I are walking behind the boys heading towards a fraternity. Both of them have broad, wide shoulders. Both men stand straight with their chests puffed out. Sander and Bryan are joking and talking together, and Lauren and I are huddled close as she whispers questions about Bryan. She finds this guy attractive. I hold no punches back and tell her that Bryan is a meathead, dirty jock strap. I trip a few times over little holes on the street. Lauren steadies me, each time, and we both laugh lightly. We arrive at the party that Bryan heard about from another guy on their floor who is on the football team. Supposedly, this was going to be the hottest party tonight.

  So far, I’d beg to differ. Sure, people were on the dance floor and having a good time. Every person I saw had a cup in their hand and a dazed, buzzed look on their face. I want to feel that way too. I just feel uncomfortable here. It’s plain to see that most of these people already know each other and aren’t looking for any new friends. I try not to worry about that now. Instead I focus on trying to locate my boyfriend who disappeared about twenty minutes ago. And Lauren is nowhere in sight. I knew she would end up wondering off. The girl has some serious ADD. Although I’m used to her wandering off by now, I’m not used to Sander disappearing. He usually sticks pretty close to me. We enjoy each other’s company and usually have more fun when we are together than we do when we are apart. He could be making new friends and if he is, I’m happy. But I thought we’d be making new friends together. Why wouldn’t he want me with him?

  I look at the huge clock hanging over a poo
l table and deflate a sigh. It’s now nearly one in the morning, and I have finally given up on locating either Sander or Lauren. I’ve walked the entirety of this fraternity house, searching every room I came to and finding nothing. In every crook and cranny groups of people are playing drinking games. Some are playing beer pong, other’s playing flip cup. I’ve walked in on my fair share of couples getting all hot and bothered, I’ve been pushed and pulled from every direction by mass amounts of drunks, and I even had a cup full of beer spilled down my back. The luke warm liquid makes my dress stick uncomfortably to my skin. An overwhelming need to scream races up my throat and almost barreled from between my lips. But I clench my jaw tightly and make my way to the front door. Once outside I continue my speed and walk away from the fraternity so that I can breath in the freshness of the evening. I walk out the front door leading towards my dorm. I smell the bitterness that’s reeking off of my dress. Sighing with exhaustion from a night that went wrong, all I can hope is that I’m wrong about this night foreshadowing how the rest of my Thirsty Thursdays will be.

  The night sky is clear and dark, the moon completely full and lighting up the sky. I wish I could see the stars like I could back home, but no such luck. There are too many lights here. If not for the lights, I’m positive this would be the perfect night to grab a blanket and lay beneath the stars.

  Wandering down the sidewalk and looking up at the sky, I picture myself back home, lying in the field, wrapped in a warm blanket and gazing up. Those are some of my most treasured moments. It’s where I really let myself just sit and relax; contemplating how very small my problems are in the scheme of things. The world is so incredibly huge. I’ve tried a few times to have either Sander or Lauren sit out there with me, but neither one of them is comfortable in complete silence. Each and every time they try and start a conversation with me. As if silence is just too much for them. I stopped trying after about the third or fourth time. I go there for peace of mind. I don’t want to talk about the things that made me want the silence in the first place. Now it’s just my place, untouched by any other.