Becoming More Read online

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  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  To my husband, Tim, you support me through it all baby. You push me to keep going when all I want to do is give up. You believe in me.

  To my parents, NeeNee and Poppy, you have always told me I can be whoever I want to be and do whatever I want to do as long as I work hard for it. Well, I did it.

  “Sander, I have to get home or my parents are going to kill me! I’m late!” I exclaim.

  Sander chuckles as he continues kissing down my neck, leaning over the console in his car.

  He pulls away and glances at me with sparkling eyes. “Baby girl, we leave for college tomorrow. What are they going to do? Ground you from what? You won’t even be living at home.”

  I giggle and ignore the gnawing guilt in the pit of my stomach for not being home on time.

  He places his lips against mine. Our mouths begin to move together slowly, passionately.

  “I love you,” he whispers against my lips.

  “I love you, too,” I say back and then kiss him again.

  “College is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened for us. We won’t have to rush back home. I’ll get to hold you all night long. I can see you whenever I want,” Sander says thoughtfully.

  “More sex is what you really want to say,” I chastise but smile.

  “That too,” he agrees nodding his head up and down.

  “Tell me that we’ll be okay, Sander,” I plead.

  He smiles at me lovingly and cradles my head in his hands. He looks me deeply in the eyes. “Lilly, baby, we’re going to be even better than we are now. I’m going to get my degree, work for my dad… Then I’m going to buy you a ring and make you my wife. College is the first step in making everything we’ve ever wanted a reality.”

  “Promise?” I ask.

  “I swear. Nothing could ever change the way that I love you, Lilly. Nothing,” he says with conviction.

  My name is Lillian Fairfield, Lilly for short. I’m eighteen years old and from a fairly good sized town called Edinburg, Indiana. Though the town itself is large with a mall, movie theatre and plenty of restaurants, my family’s home is located on the outskirts. We have a nice sized plot of land. We don’t have a farm or anything of the sort, but I do enjoy spending clear-sky nights sitting among the golden fields and looking up at the brilliant night sky.

  I’ve lived here my entire life. My parents were born and raised here as well. Generation upon generation of the Fairfield family has lived in this home. My father inherited it from his parents and when the time comes, I too, will inherit it from him and mom.

  Though I have enjoyed my life here… Where the cars cannot be heard on the interstate, where there are no lights, and the crickets sing loudly at night, I look forward to moving to my new home if only for four short years.

  Lauren, my best friend, and I will be rooming together; I really can’t imagine it being any better. Lauren and I are going to have a space all to ourselves. We can be as loud as we want, talk whenever we feel like it, come home or not. It’s all up to us. Sander will be in an all-male dorm about ten minutes away from where Lauren and I are living.

  Sander has all of his tuition paid for in the business department. He’s going to be right in his element on a floor full of other business majors. He’s confident and knows that one-day he will take over his father’s accounting firm. It’s something that he has always known he’d do. He has been told since a very young age that that is where his life is headed, and Sander wants it. He wants the name, the money. He wants people to know exactly who he is and bow down to him. Most of all, I believe he wants the control. Sander doesn’t like being told what to do, and, when owning his own company, he will be the one in utter control.

  My parents and I arrive after a short three hour drive. Stone Oak University- even the name is beautiful. I can’t think of a better name. It’s absolutely fitting. The campus is gorgeous. Most of the buildings are pretty ancient but have aged beautifully. Each structure is made from stone, a light steel color. The freshmen dorm has a weathered look to it. I’ve not even moved in yet, but I adore it. Sheets of ivy crawl upwards against the sides with fingers of ivy curling around the windows. There is a sweet and woody smell of the trees, a tantalizing smell of wild flowers. I can nearly taste the sweetness in the wind. A slight breeze rustles the leaves and causes small wisps of my hair to fly forward. It makes me feel like I’ve hopped into a time machine and went back at least fifty years. I have no idea when this school was actually built, but now I’m interested.

  After taking a moment to soak in my surroundings, I grab one of the smaller bags, jump out of the car, and run inside to the second floor to find my dorm room. When I get there, Lauren is already sitting on the bed she has chosen.

  “Lilly!” she yells and runs to me. We hug, giggle, and then pull away from each other.

  I survey the room. It’s small—like really small. There are two twin size beds, two desks, and two very small closets. But just like the outside, it looks worn in. It wouldn’t surprise me if the furniture were used when the school was built.

  “How are we going to fit all of our things in here?” I wonder out loud. I’m not really all that upset about it because the character of the room is amazing enough that I would be willing to send some of my clothes home with my parents.

  Lauren narrows her eyes, “I know! This is ridiculous! But my mom brought us these plastic tubs. I guess you put your clothes in them, and then it goes underneath your bed? I don’t know, but that’s the only way we will have room for our clothes.”

  Clearly, the beauty of the dorm matters not to Lauren. I can’t help but wonder if the beauty of the campus has even fazed her.

  I nod, “Sounds good. Where’s your mom?” I look around the room.

  “She’s downstairs, I think she found a single father or something she wanted to talk to.” Lauren rolls her eyes, and I laugh.

  Lauren’s father is MIA. He has been since her parents got a divorce when Lauren was just five. He moved all the way to Missouri, remarried, and only talks to Lauren when he has too. Her mom basically raised her and her brother Dan by herself. I can’t remember exactly, but I know at some point her mom remarried and divorced when Lauren was in
fifth grade. I never did get to meet the man that helped raise Lauren up until then. I guess he had caught Lauren’s mom cheating on him with his best friend. Lauren didn’t tell me that until high school. She never did tell me how she found out about that. Talk about tragic; he lost his wife and his best friend! I can’t imagine how bad that situation must have been for Lauren. Lauren’s mom forbade her from seeing her step dad, and no matter what he tried to do to get in contact with Lauren her mom just wouldn’t allow it. I thought it was pretty messed up that she was taking away Lauren’s only real father figure. Thank God Lauren didn’t inherit her mother’s flaws.

  Lauren hasn’t seen or talked to her step dad for years now and doesn’t like talking about it. I’ve tried to bring it up just because I think Lauren is really hurting and suffering from missing him, but Lauren relented and refused. I can’t help but partially blame her mom for making Lauren so afraid to speak or ask about her step dad. Lauren’s mom has always treated me like a second daughter, but sometimes she is extremely selfish. It really doesn’t surprise me that instead of helping her daughter move into her dorm, she’s flirting with some poor college kid’s father downstairs.

  My mom and dad walk into the room and smile at Lauren.

  “Hey there, sweetie,” mom says to Lauren as she grabs her for a hug.

  “Hey, mom,” Lauren answers.

  “I saw Steph downstairs. She was about to go to your car and grab a couple of your bags. Why don’t you both help us carry your things in here?” Mom commands.

  “I’m surprised my mom stopped talking to that guy long enough to acknowledge your existence,” Lauren says sarcastically to my mom.

  Mom just ignores her. She’s never been a huge fan of Steph. It only got worse when mom found out she let us get drunk at her house. It was on that day that I learned my quiet, reserved mom could transform from a woman that only speaks when she has something nice to say into an absolute teeth-bared, claws outstretched, mama bear.

  It all started when Steph bought us Smirnoff, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and pizza. I don’t know why she did it. She told us as long as we didn’t drive anywhere and she knew we were safe at home, she didn’t care if we drank. Of course Lauren and I took her up on the offer. We were sixteen, and it was our first time drinking. Lauren got so drunk she was throwing up everywhere. I got drunk enough that I didn’t care that I shouldn’t be calling anyone, but I did anyway. I called Lauren’s boyfriend at the time and Sander who both came over that night and drank with us. We got buzzed enough that when Steve, Lauren’s boyfriend, brought up strip poker, we all agreed.

  Lauren and I rushed to her bedroom, laughing, as we pulled more clothing over what we already had on. When we came back out into the living room sweating from too many layers, the guys looked at us and busted into a fit of laughter. Steven complained about it not being fair. Well, he shouldn’t have complained because Lauren and I both ended up in our underwear by the end of the night. We just sucked at poker, and we were even worse with alcohol in our system. Steph’s mom didn’t say one negative word. Instead she laughed and turned on some music. This resulted in all of us getting up and dancing around the house in our skivvies.

  Somehow my mom heard we were drinking and came to the house early the next morning only to find me curled up on the sofa lying next to a very hung over and half—naked Sander. Mom was pissed. She stomped down the hallway and threw open Steph’s bedroom door, screaming about something. I blurrily remember mom telling her she was a sad excuse for a parent and lots of other terrible things that I prefer not remembering. Plus, my head was hurting so badly I tried to cover my ears.

  The next thing I knew, mom was opening Lauren’s bedroom door and dragging a sick looking Steve, Lauren’s boyfriend, from the arm out of her room. Then she grabbed Sander and yanked him off the couch. I’ve never heard such an animalistic sound come from my mom. But as she dragged Sander away from me she growled like a protective mama bear warding danger away from her cubs.

  “Get your ass up now, Lilly,” she yelled.

  “Mom, stop yelling,” I whined and covered my ears.

  My mom’s face turned beet red. The heat from her fury radiated through out her body—I thought she was going to catch on fire. She was livid. “Get in the car this instant!” she yelled even louder than before. Punishment, I’m sure.

  Yeah, that was a bad night, day; hell, that was a bad week. The one good thing I can say—mom didn’t tell dad. Thank God. He would have killed me! Since then my mom hasn’t had any respect for Steph but she does a pretty good job faking it. Neither my mom nor Steph bring up that night, and it’s probably better that way.

  A few hours pass, as I remember Lauren and my past, and I’m all moved in. All the boxes have been brought into my room, and my dad has helped set up my wifi. Our parents are already gone, leaving just Lauren and me to ourselves. My dad did end up getting a bit misty-eyed but he held it together pretty well. He hugged me longer than usual and made sure to tell me to call if I need anything—anything at all.

  Lauren and I are over—decorating our small, little room with twinkle lights and posters and hiding the alcohol her mom gave us in the ceiling tiles that pop out. Why colleges still think it’s smart to put those little square ceilings in is beyond me. It’s the perfect hide-a-way. After we put the bottle of vodka up, I look around the room and start giggling. It’s ridiculous. The little twinkle lights are hung erratically along the walls, ceilings, and even around our beds. We didn’t take the time to make sure they were hung straight. Some pieces dangle low to the ground while other parts are pulled right against the surface of the deks. We brought so many posters that the walls are covered. Lauren had to bring all of her boas. She has collected them since before I even met her, and they now hang all over her bed and desk. It looks like a costume store threw up in our room, and maybe a Christmas tree too.

  “What?” Lauren asks. “Why are you laughing?”

  “Look at this room!” I laugh out.

  “I think it looks fabulous,” she says proudly.

  I’m about to argue with her when my phone starts ringing from across the room. Lauren sings obnoxiously loudly to the song. I snicker, but quickly answer the phone without looking to see who’s calling me.

  “Hey baby girl.” Sanders voice, like music.

  “Hey babe! When did you get here? Are you all moved in?” I ask excitedly, slipping on my flip flips. I can’t wait to see him.

  “Got here about an hour ago. Mom and dad just left. You should meet my roommate! He’s pretty cool, and he’s an accounting major too. Lil, he’s a real cool guy.”

  “Well can I come see you now?” I say, lowering my voice seductively.

  He coughs, letting me know he’s dying to get a little bit of action. I can already picture the cocky smirk on his face. “Well baby, Bryan is still here. Why don’t you come over and check out this awesome speaker system he brought? We could watch a movie? Maybe Lauren will be busy tonight.”

  “I can’t ask Lauren to leave the dorm on our first night just so we can have sex, Sander. Make Bryan go get some dinner or something,” I giggle.

  He laughs, “I’ll figure something out; just get over here.”

  “Alright be there in ten! Love you!”

  “Love ya too, baby.”

  I hang up and run to the mirror to check my makeup. After four years of being with the same guy I still check my makeup and hair. Anyone who saw Sander would understand. He’s a very put together guy. He always tries to look his best. He shaves every day, keeps his hair trimmed, and always dresses the part of a businessman. He’s always been like this, mostly because of his parents, but now I think it’s just become who he is. He enjoys looking as rich as his family is, and in return, I need to look just as put together.

  “Seriously, you’re going to go meet up with Sander now? We just moved in,” Lauren complains.

  “Lauren, this is the first time ever we will have some serious privacy. I’m going to take full advantage,�
�� I tell her, brushing through my medium brown hair then re-applying my dark brown eyeliner around my emerald green eyes. I look over my shoulder at Lauren and smile. We’re so different. Where she’s pale, I’m tan. Where she’s thin, I’m curvy. Where her hair is blonde, mine is brown. My lips are thinner than hers and my lower lip pouts out just a bit.

  “You are too hot to have a serious boyfriend in college. We are supposed to party, have fun, and sleep with random guys. Why do you have to ruin my dreams?!” Lauren sighs and jumps onto her bed. Her blonde hair spreads across her bright pink comforter.

  “What are you talking about? You love Sander!” I look hard at her.

  She waves her hands at me. “I do love Sander. I love you and Sander together too. But that doesn’t mean that you guys can’t take a small break! Don’t you want to have the full college experience?” she asks.

  My eyes widen. I’ve never heard her talk like this. Well I have, just not about Sander and me. “Lauren, I want to be with Sander. Hell, I want to be with Sander forever. We’re meant to be together. You know that.”

  She rolls her eyes. “How do you know if you’ve never been with anyone else?” she wonders.

  “I’m done talking about this Lauren. Now you’re just trying to piss me off. I don’t have to fuck every guy I meet,” I say narrowing my eyes at her, “to know that Sander and I are supposed to be together.” I don’t even consider the possibility of Sander and me not working out.

  Lauren doesn’t get pissy at me for basically calling her a slut. Nope, she just laughs. “Settle down, Lilly, I’m just talking out my ass here.”

  Rolling my eyes I grab my purse and dorm key, “See ya later Lauren.”

  It’s only been ten minutes since I left my dorm and my argument with Lauren, and now I’m walking through Sander’s dorm entrance. I’m still shitty with Lauren. Why would she ever say that about Sander and me? She has always been supportive of our relationship. I’m trying to not let her words get the better of me. I should be happy to see Sander; I should be excited to spend some much needed alone time with him. I take the stairs quickly to the third floor, my legs burning, and turn left towards Sander’s room. The door is slightly ajar, so I tap it a couple of times before walking in.