Becoming More Read online

  “Gavin. Or Devin?” she mumbles, putting a hand to her head in pain. “I don’t actually remember his name.”

  “Classy.”

  “Hey, no judgment, bestie,” she spits out.

  “Oh chill out—you ditched me! Not the other way around.” I stand, grab her a juice from the fridge, and find her a couple aspirin. I hand them to her, “Here.”

  “Thanks.” She strips out of her clothes and falls onto her bed, “I feel like death.” She covers her eyes and moans.

  “You look like death,” I say seriously.

  “Shut it.” She sits up and looks curiously at me. “I had about ten calls from Sander. He was looking for you all night. Where did you escape to if you weren’t with him?” she questions.

  “I couldn’t find either one of you and met some people on the way back to the dorm. They invited me to a party so I went with them. I had fun. Then I came back here.” I leave out Colton. No need to tell her about him, for several reasons: 1. I don’t want her interested in him. Ugh. 2. She’d either tell me to break up with Sander and “enjoy” college life, or freak out on me and tell me that I need to tell Sander about this Colton kid. I could see it now, and I really don’t want to deal with that right now. Or ever.

  “Oh… Well Sander sounded pissed. I tried to tell him you were probably in our room, but then he called saying he came by here and no one answered the door. I’ve never heard him act like that before. I didn’t really know what to tell him.”

  “Yeah, he’s been acting differently. I think he was just really drunk. I don’t know, but I haven’t heard from him at all today.” I say.

  “He probably won’t remember most of the night if he was that drunk. I mean, I’m having trouble remembering most of the night. Like what the hell that guy’s name was.” She’s trying really hard to remember, and her face mashes up like she smells something funny.

  I crack a smile, “Well, did you at least have a good time?”

  She takes a drink of her juice, “Ya know, I can’t remember.”

  I smack my palm against my forehead, “Girl, you have issues.”

  She rolls her eyes, “Whatever. We’re in college. It’s a time for mistakes. You should make a few.”

  My phone beeps again and I pick it up. It’s Colton! I smile wide, and I know I have a blush creeping on my face. I turn away from Lauren quickly and open the text.

  Colton: I hope u don’t mind, I asked Clarissa 2 go with u 2 the concert.

  My smile is hurting my cheeks. Holy crap. Why am I smiling so big? This is crazy! Shouldn’t I be more worried about why Sander has yet to call? Yeah, probably. Colton is just a new friend. It’s okay to be excited that a new friend texted me, right?

  Me: Thanks for that. I was worried I wouldn’t know very many people there.

  Colton: I think uve made a new friend in Clarissa. She seemed elated 2 have u join her.

  Without thinking I text him back, knowing exactly what I want to say.

  Me: Is she the only new friend I made last night? ;)

  I bite my lip and read over my text. Is that flirting? Holy crap. I’m flirting with him aren’t I? That’s okay. Yeah it’s fine; sometimes friends flirt. I mean Lauren and Sander have always flirted. It’s nothing serious.

  I keep staring at my phone waiting for a text back. Did I cross a line?

  “Is that Sander?” Lauren asks behind me.

  “Uhm no,” I stutter out, “Just one of the people I met last night.”

  She doesn’t question me. Instead she grabs her bath tote and walks out of the room.

  My phone goes off.

  Colton: maybe ;)

  Well he winked, so maybe he’s flirting back?

  Me: Well in that case, whose concert gig am I going to 2night if not a friend’s?

  Colton: U r going to a gig 2night? ;)

  Me: Maybe not ;)

  Okay, too much winking.

  Colton: No, u r going! So I suppose u did make more than one friend last night.

  Me: Good, u were beginning to make me believe I had made up the entire night in my head.

  Colton: Last night was very real.

  I start to text him back but get another text from him before I can hit send.

  Colton: Last night was fun, Lilly. I hope u have fun 2night.

  Me: I better ☺

  Colton: You will, he texts finally.

  I smile like an idiot for the next few hours. There’s a giddiness that I haven’t felt in a long time. My cheeks actually hurt because I can’t stop my lips from tipping up. Lauren doesn’t seem to notice, probably because she spends most of the time passed out on her bed. I guess last night was pretty rough for her.

  I hear a knock on our door. A loud knock. I jump out of my seat wondering if Clarissa would come this early. When I open the door Sander is standing there, looking exhausted.

  “Lil, baby,” he says and pushes himself through the door and wraps his arms around me. I don’t hug him back. “I couldn’t find you last night!” A look of worry falls onto his face.

  “Yeah, and you were also an ass,” I state simply and turn out of his reach to grab my cup and fill it with water.

  “What?”

  He has a dumb look on his face. Could he really not remember what he said to me last night? Does it matter? I don’t think that changes anything. He shouldn’t talk to me like he did last night.

  “Don’t pretend like you don’t remember the cruel things you said last night, Sander.” I glare at him.

  He steps forward, “Baby girl, I don’t know what I said, but I’m sorry if I said something stupid.”

  “Are you serious right now?” I step forward and point my finger at his chest, “You basically accused me of trying to hook up with other guys while simultaneously ordering me back to that lame party that you ditched me at to begin with!” I yell.

  Lauren shifts in her bed and covers her head with her pillow groaning , “Can you two keep it down?”

  Sander looks over at Lauren and a strange look passes over his face. I’m not sure what that was. Then he turns and looks at me again, “Listen Lil, I’m sorry about whatever I said. I was really drunk.”

  “That’s not a very good excuse,” I mutter and wipe a tear that has escaped my eye. I’m hurt and confused. Tears always start flowing when I feel overwhelmed with emotion.

  He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me into him. He looks into my eyes and then kisses my cheek, “I mean it babe. I’m sorry.”

  “You’ve been acting so strangely recently.” I lay my head on his chest and sniffle, “Is it because of Bryan?”

  He pulls away and glares down on me, “I have not been acting strange,” he argues.

  I pull away even further, “Uhm, Sander, yes you have. You’ve been really rude to me lately and saying things that hurt my feelings. It’s like you don’t give a shit about me anymore.”

  Narrowing his eyes, he steps forward, “Oh come on Lil, I’m just trying to meet new people. You know, make some new friends. This could be really good for our future.”

  “What could be? You treating me like crap? I don’t think so, Sander.” I shake my head.

  “That’s not what I mean and you know it. I’m trying to make connections. Bryan’s dad is a CEO at a big insurance company! Imagine what could happen if I get in with that business. I’ll be able to buy you whatever you want, babe.”

  “But you are going to work for your dad,” I reply.

  Sander shrugs his shoulders, “Maybe. It never hurts to have connections, Lil.”

  “That doesn’t mean you can treat me like that. Don’t you remember the promise you made me in your dorm room?” I continue arguing.

  Lauren sits up quickly, “Will you two shut the hell up? Damn. I have a headache!”

  “It’s fine Lauren. Sander and I are done talking.” I walk to our door and open it wide for him to exit.

  “What, you’re kicking me out?” Sander looks like he doesn’t believe it.

 
“Sure am. Bye. Call me when you want to apologize and actually mean it.” I gesture to the door.

  “Lilly this is stupid,” Sander says and doesn’t move.

  “Yeah I realize that to you this doesn’t make any sense. But you need to seriously think about whether or not you want me in your life Sander, because I’m not playing this game with you. I won’t let you talk to me like this.”

  Sander marches up to me and grips my arms. Too hard. My face pales. He’s angry, really angry. “Lilly, I’ll let you have today to chill the fuck out, but what you need to remember is that you’re my girl. Be mad. Fine, whatever. But get over it. You know I don’t mean whatever stupid shit comes flying out of my mouth in the heat of the moment.” His eyes are heated and he presses his lips hard against mine. I don’t kiss him back, but I don’t fight him either. Right now, he seems utterly dangerous, and I’m afraid to say anything or move away.

  He pulls away, gives me one last hard look, and finally exits the room. I let out a ragged breath and walk shakily to my bed to sit down. What the hell is wrong with him?! He’s actually scaring me. I rub my upper arms where his grip had been. I don’t think it’ll bruise, but he definitely wasn’t gentle.

  “Are you okay?” Lauren says.

  I look at her and realize that I have a waterfall of tears spilling down my cheeks and into my lap, “No, Lauren, I’m not.”

  She gets up, comes to my side and hugs me, “It’s okay Lilly! He’s probably still kind of drunk or something. Maybe he was still really worried from not knowing where you were last night. There are a whole lot of reasons as to why he’s acting like he is. Maybe he’s nervous for classes to start, and he feels like he has to do really well or something?”

  I listen to her give me every excuse she can think of, and I welcome the relief I feel from her words. She’s probably right. He’s must be stressing about a lot of things right now and just doesn’t know how to deal with those feelings. Tomorrow I’ll call him and plan a time for us to meet up and have a civilized conversation. Surely by tomorrow he will have calmed down enough that he’s back to normal. I embrace Lauren’s excuses for him. Tomorrow we’ll talk. I’ll explain how I feel, and he will feel horrible for making me feel that way. We’ll kiss and make up. I give Lauren a placid smile and wipe the last of my tears away.

  “Thanks Lauren, you’re right. It’s probably nothing serious.”

  She gives an encouraging smile, “Of course I’m right! Now may I go back to my nap?” she asks.

  I laugh and gesture to her bed, “By all means.”

  She falls into her bed and turns onto her stomach. Moments later I hear her heavy breathing. Thank God I have Lauren to talk some sense into me. Of course Sander loves me. He’s just going through something. We will get through it, no doubt about it.

  It isn’t long before I get a text from Clarissa informing me that she has just pulled up to Clifford Hall and will be up in a minute. I unlock our door and text her back, telling her to just come on in when she gets here.

  Lauren disappeared a few hours before, saying she was heading to some girl’s room in another dorm building. My guess is she’s going to another frat party tonight. She invited me to go, but I declined. I would have invited her out with me tonight. In fact, I had planned on it, but she already had set plans.

  Clarissa comes into my dorm as I’m rifling through my closet looking for anything to wear. I turn to glance at her, and she’s looking around at our ridiculous decorations.

  “Nice lights.” She giggles as she looks at the twinkle lights along our walls and window. She looks at the pictures on my desk, “Is this your boyfriend?” she asks.

  “Yup, that’s Sander.” I pull out different articles of clothing.

  Clarissa looks cute in her short, light denim skirt and light blue blouse. She has cowboy boots on.

  “Is this a country bar or something?” I raise an eyebrow.

  She flushes, “No, I just like these boots.”

  “You look good!” I compliment her. “But what should I wear?” I ask.

  She picks up my black skirt I threw on the wooden chair by my desk and a tight green shirt that has an empty back, “This. Definitely this.”

  “Not to dressy?” I wonder.

  “Nope. Try it on.”

  I slip out of my sweats and crawl into the outfit she chose. I smooth the shirt down and look at the back. It is pretty hot. Both the black skirt and the shirt hug my curves. The shirt is so tight it shows off my thin waist and curvaceous chest. I glare at my hips. I’ve always felt a little self-conscience about my wide bones, but the black of the skirt makes me look a bit straighter.

  Her eyes widen, “Perfect!” She moves over to my closet and starts going through my shoes. She pulls out black ankle boots that have a silver chain dangling from the sides, “These are killer; wear these.”

  “Okay let me go straighten my hair real quick.”

  I make my way to the mirror where I already have my straightener plugged in and heating up. I did my make up before Clarissa arrived. I didn’t go as heavy tonight. Less eye shadow, some black eyeliner on my upper lid and mascara with a light pink lip gloss. This is more like me.

  I grab my cheetah print flat iron. Within minutes I’m spritzing extra strong hair spray and flattening down some fly-aways. With it straight, it hits the middle of my back. I hadn’t realized how long my hair had gotten until just now. I grab a couple bracelets and a clutch. “I’m ready,” I declare and spin around for Clarissa.

  “You look awesome!”

  “Promise this isn’t too much?”

  “I swear.” She nods and grabs her keys, “Let’s go. You are going to love their band! Colton is an amazing singer!”

  We arrive at the club at around 9:00 pm. The security man at the door checks my I.D. and puts a giant “x” on my hand. Looks like no alcohol for me tonight. Oh well, not a big deal. Clarissa and I walk in, and the place is completely full! She was right; no one here looks the same. There are people dressed for country, some look kind of goth, while others are dressed similar to me—which I would say it sort of club-esque. This place is amazing. A rainbow of colored lights flicker around the room. I watch, stunned, as a circular red beam of light dances around the room and then quickly becomes a bright, shimmery purple. The color changes continue rhythmically. There’s a glass bar to our right with matching glass seats that swivel around and sparkle with the bright colors reflecting against them. There are six bartenders behind it, twirling and twisting bottles around and then pouring shots into glasses. It’s mesmerizing.

  “I know,” Clarissa says into my ear, “It’s pretty awesome here!”

  “Yeah, I’ve never been anywhere like this before. How did Colton’s band get a gig here?” I ask.

  Clarissa smiles, “You won’t be asking that when you hear them tonight.”

  I smile back at her, but I can’t imagine that they are that good. They are too young and all in college, how could they have time to practice? They probably just know someone that works here or something. Okay, I’m just lying to myself. Colton is almost certainly magnificent. They have to be to play here. Clarissa grabs me by my left wrist and pulls me into the crowd. I don’t feel bad for the people we push against, because Clarissa repeatedly says, “Excuse me.” To every single last one of them. I’m grinning because she’s so polite. Lauren would have just shoved through and glared at anyone that got in her way. I’ve always admired Lauren for her “I don’t give a shit” attitude, but I find Clarissa’s attitude rather relieving.

  Suddenly a wave of insecurity rushes through me. I’m seeing Colton tonight. I need to get a grip of myself. I’ve seen the girls in here. Most of them are gorgeous. He’s probably interested in a few of them. He’s probably slept with plenty of them. I’m just his friend, so that fact shouldn’t bother me. I should be okay with this. I shouldn’t worry about how he thinks I look tonight. I take a deep breath and build up some courage. Stop worrying, Lilly. He’s your friend. A new friend.
A new, hot friend.

  We finally reach a table where there are three empty seats waiting for us. Becca and all the guys are sitting there, all except for Colton. I look around the table wondering where he is. Did I miss him? Is he sick? Is he with some other girl dancing somewhere? In my anxiety, my imagination gets the best of me.

  “There they are!” Oliver exclaims and stands from his seat to greet both Clarissa and me. He jogs over and welcomes us with a group hug. He takes a step back, admires us both and lets out a whistle, “Looking very nice ladies, incredible.”

  I giggle, and Clarissa rolls her eyes. He grins at us both, “And here’s the man with the drinks.”

  I turn around and find Colton walking towards us with both hands carrying a pitcher of beer. He looks up from his hands and into my eyes. He smiles at me. And not just with his mouth. I swear his eyes make his smile even wider with small wrinkles on the corners crinkling their way towards his temples.

  Clarissa nudges me as I smile back at him. “What?” I ask her without looking away from him.

  “You’re staring,” she whispers.

  I tear my gaze from Colton’s and look at her, “Was not. He was looking at me; I was merely looking back.”

  “No, you were both staring,” she corrects me. She starts laughing when my face turns pink. “It’s okay to like him, Lilly.”

  I shake my head, “I don’t like him. Not like that at least.”

  She bites her cheek, “Yes you do. But I’m not going to make you admit it. Just let me say this one thing okay?” she asks, waiting for me to give her the go ahead. I nod. “I know you have a boyfriend.” I start to speak but she raises her hand, “Let me finish.” She puts her hand on her hips and leans in so only I can hear her, “I know you love your boyfriend, but it’s not wrong for you to have feelings for someone else. Is it really a huge deal if you let yourself get to know some other people? So what if you end up really caring about Colton or a different guy? Is it really the end of the world if you find out your boyfriend isn’t who you are meant to be with?” she asks and raises her eyebrows.

  “I am meant to be with Sander. I already know that.” This conversation is sounding eerily like the one I had with Lauren—except Clarissa is much better with her words. She’s not telling me to slut it up with some guys. She’s telling me to keep my options open.