Becoming More Read online

  “I’m okay,” I utter before Colton can get a word out. It’s a lie. I’m anything but okay. My throat hurts. My voice sounds raw. My lungs ache. But mostly I feel lost. A part of me questions whether or not this really happened. Tonight feels like a nightmare from which I’ll soon wake. It couldn’t have been real. Sander doing drugs? No way. Sander becoming so furious with me that I can’t even see an ounce of love in his eyes? Sander becoming physical with me… No, this can’t be real.

  “Lilly, tell me what happened?” Colton says and looks at me questionably. He’s eyeing me up and down looking for an indication of anything being wrong. It’s too dark out for him to see my throat. If he could see it, I’m sure he would see redness.

  I look into his eyes and then away quickly. There is pure compassion in those hazel eyes. Something I would have expected from Sander. Instead, I got only burning anger. I look towards the dorm again and then quickly start walking towards Colton’s car. Calling him was a bad idea. If Sander sees me with him who knows what he will do in his state of mind! His willingness to hurt me shows just how out of it he truly is. Sander in his right mind would never harm anyone. But Sander like he is right now—he’s unpredictable. He could hurt Colton. I hadn’t even considered that when I called him. I hadn’t considered anything; just that I needed to get out of here, and walking wasn’t an option.

  Colton catches up to me and grabs my arm gently, “Hey…” he starts again.

  “Colton, can we talk about this somewhere else, please?” I beg.

  He quirks an eyebrow at me, shocked by my scratched voice, and then he gives one hard nod. He opens my door and then closes it once I’m seated. When he gets in he quickly goes in reverse and heads out of the parking lot.

  The farther we drive away, the easier I breathe. I take a shaky, deep breath, “Thank you for coming to get me.”

  He doesn’t answer me. He doesn’t say a damn thing. Not until we arrive at his house. “Wait here a minute.” I nod.

  He runs inside and then quickly comes back and opens my door for me. When we go inside, no one is out in the living area or in the kitchen. I can hear laughing in someone’s bedroom. It sounds like Oliver. He’s always laughing. With his hand on my lower back he guides me to a closed door. Once we walk inside, I realize that it’s his bedroom.

  There’s a double bed on the right side of the room, pressed against the wall. The blankets are navy blue. His walls are a plain white, but around the room hang posters of some of his favorite bands, as well as movies. To the left, near a window, is a desk with paper spilled out over the top. A guitar rests against a wooden chair with a tall back. It’s definitely a boy’s room.

  There aren’t any pictures of family. Maybe he isn’t close to his mom or dad, or maybe he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters. Just another reminder that I really don’t know Colton all that well, and yet, here I am. There’s something about him that brings out a want for closeness. I feel like I can trust him.

  It shocks me how true that thought is. I trust Colton. I trust someone that I barely know and it makes absolutely no sense. It’s too much to think about right now. For tonight, I want to just accept that I need someone to talk to about Sander, and that person has to be Colton.

  Colton closes and locks his door and then faces me. His face twists from peaceful compassion into anger. Fear rises in my chest. This cannot be happening. That pure fury I saw in Sander’s eyes earlier is reflected in Colton’s right now. I start to back away. Tears sting my eyes. I can’t do this again. I’m about to make a run for the door when Colton reaches forward and gently touches my throat. I tense for a moment, afraid that he’s going to hurt me. But his fingers barely graze my tender neck. His eyes soften when he looks into my eyes.

  “Tell me,” he commands.

  A tear trickles down my cheek. I wipe it away quickly. I try to say something, anything, but the words catch in my throat and refuse to leave.

  “Did…” he pauses and looks at the ceiling, “Do I need to take you to the hospital? Do you need to talk to the police?” he asks and then looks back at me. “Whatever happened isn’t your fault… You know that, right?”

  I start shaking my head back and forth. He thinks I was raped. I can see it in his face. God. It’s nowhere near that bad. I have to tell him now; I can’t let him think it was something worse than what it was. Taking a calming breath, I begin.

  “What you’re thinking didn’t happen,” I say simply.

  He stares at me, watching for a lie. A sigh of relief escapes his lips. “Will you tell me what happened?”

  I sit on the edge of his bed and begin to rub my neck. “I went to see Sander,” I start.

  How do I tell Colton that my boyfriend whom I have loved for four years is becoming someone I don’t even recognize? Suddenly, it doesn’t seem right to confide in him.

  “I should go home,” I say.

  “Lilly, I’m not trying to pressure you into telling me what happened, but if you don’t tell me I’m going to assume the worst and drive you to the hospital now.” He sounds serious. Which means I have to tell him. I have no plans of taking this to the police. If Sander were to get into trouble for this, his entire future would be screwed. If he’s just going through some weird, life changing phase, I don’t want to jump the gun and ruin his life.

  “When I got to Sander’s, I walked inside. There was smoke everywhere. He was smoking. Which, whatever… No big deal, right?” I give a hysterical laugh, “Except I knew almost immediately that that wasn’t all he was doing in his room. He’s on other drugs too, Colton. I don’t know what, but he was a completely different person. He was shaking and emotional. When I questioned him about what he was doing, he got angry. Really irate. The kind of angry I’ve only ever seen on TV. It scared me.”

  Colton’s eyes become small slits. Something tells me he didn’t expect me to say that. “Your boyfriend did this?” he sneers.

  I nod. “I’ve never seen him like this before. He’s never done drugs. Ever! His parents would disown him if they knew he was doing this! He’s going to mess up everything!” I yell as loud as I can. Which, to be honest, isn’t very loud with my raspy voice.

  “He fucking choked you?” Colton says deadly quiet.

  “He’s on drugs, Colton. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s so messed up right now that he probably won’t remember this tomorrow.” I flick my hair over my shoulder.

  “Are you really defending him after tonight?”

  “I’m not defending him. I just know he would never do this if he wasn’t so high,” I say quietly and shrug my shoulders. “He’d never hurt me.”

  He lets out a humorless laugh, “Obviously you don’t know him that well.” He gestures to my neck, “Did you know it’s already bruised?”

  “I’ve been with him for four years. I think I know my boyfriend pretty well.” Why am I defending Sander? He literally just about choked me to death. “Sorry. I don’t know why I’m snapping at you,” I apologize and rub my fingers over the sore area. “It just shocked me. I don’t understand why he’s doing drugs.”

  “I don’t give a shit about the drugs, Lilly. He put his hands on you,” he says. I can’t expect Colton to understand why I have any compassion towards Sander right now. But I do. He’s been there for me for four years now. We’ve had so many laughs, so many good times. I wouldn’t know how to throw away those four years. He’s worth me giving this relationship all I have, and I’m going to. I am going to help Sander get through this. He would do it for me. I know it. I’ll just have to wait until I know he’s sober enough to hear me out, and then I’ll be able to get through to him. When he knows what he did, he will be disgusted with himself. He’ll want to fix this. He’ll stop doing drugs. He’ll tell Bryan to fuck off. We’ll figure this out.

  Colton reaches over and takes my chin in his hands. He turns my face to his and looks deeply into my eyes. “Listen to me, Lilly. Don’t go near him. Stay away from him.” He frowns, “But if for some reas
on he gets close to you and he does anything, anything. Call me.”

  I nod.

  “Promise me you won’t go near him,” he pushes.

  I bite my lower lip. “I promise.” It’s a promise I don’t intend to keep.

  Falling asleep last night was nearly impossible. I couldn’t for the life of me calm my nerves or my mind. Colton told me to stay the night, afraid that Sander would show up at my dorm. Colton slept on the living room futon; I stayed in Colton’s bed. I offered more than once to take the futon, since he was being kind enough to let me stay at his place, but he wouldn’t let me.

  Being in his bed was an interesting feeling. The pillow smelled like him. Embarrassingly, I found myself sniffing it way too often. It was a comforting smell, though. Comforting, yet still unnerving. Colton may have been in the front room, but I felt like he was in the same bed as me. He had given me one of his t-shirts and a pair of his boxer shorts to wear to bed. I was literally enveloped in everything that smelled like him.

  I woke up feeling groggy. I didn’t sleep nearly enough, and when I did sleep, it was restless. Memories of Sander scaring and upsetting me simultaneously terrorized me throughout the night. Sander was the person that I always thought I would marry. Now I’m unsure.

  I still want that future with Sander. I can’t help but remember the late nights we would sit on the phone talking about our future. We imagined what our children would look like, how many we would have, where we would live. They were dreams that we wanted more than anything to become reality. He was never afraid to bring up marriage and the fact that one day he intended to make me his wife.

  I loved that about Sander. He was just as attached to me as I was to him. We wanted the same things.

  A light knock on the door draws me out of my thoughts. I push the blankets back and sit up.

  “Come in,” I say, messing with my hair trying to tuck the wild strands behind my ears.

  Colton walks in and his hair looks the same as always, which tells me he really doesn’t do anything special to it—it just looks that damn good naturally. He’s wearing dark gray sweat pants that hang loosely on his hips. It shows his “V” beautifully. Trying to tear my gaze away from the brilliant sight is difficult. Somehow I manage, but my eyes don’t get very far. They roll over his stomach and chest. He’s not wearing a shirt. The tattoos I’ve been dying to see are on display for me to take in, and I’m taking it all in. Across his chest lies a beautiful design of the sky. Dark blues, grays and blacks look like a storm is rolling in across his chest. A dragon wraps around his right side, the tail disappearing into his pants and down his leg.

  “Watcha lookin’ at, Lilly?” Colton asks teasingly.

  My face heats up. “Don’t act like you aren’t used to people checking out your tattoos,” I say.

  “Is that what you were looking at? My tattoos?” The right side of his mouth curves up.

  “Yeah.” Along with the hard muscles that tense every time you move, and wondering where exactly that dragon tail leads.

  He raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t comment further on the subject. “I made some coffee,” he says, “Listen… The guys are here. All of them are asleep but Oliver. In fact, Oliver has been driving me fucking crazy wondering what happened last night. I told him you were here. He wants to know why. I figured you wouldn’t want me to tell him, but he’s going to ask you,” he warns.

  I roll my eyes. “Can’t we just tell him I was really drunk or something?” That seems easier to explain than my boyfriend going all psycho-crazed-drug-addict on me. Not just easier but also less personal. I really like Oliver, but I’m not sure I want him to know about this.

  Colton shakes his head exasperated. “You can tell him whatever you want, but he’s going to see the bruises on your neck.” His eyes narrow and his breathing becomes louder, more ragged—the same way it did when he noticed the bruises last night; he’s pissed.

  I wrap my hand around my neck to hide it from his sight. “It isn’t too noticeable, is it?!”

  “Well they’re purple, Lilly… I have a hoodie you can wear that might cover the worst of it.”

  “Colton…” I stand and walk over to him. I feel like crying, but I’m not going to allow myself to do it. This whole situation just sucks. At the same time, I’m incredibly grateful that he dropped everything to come get me last night.

  Before I can say thank you, once again, Colton steps forward and wraps his arms around me and pulls me to his chest. “It’ll be okay,” he says.

  “No it won’t,” I say into his shirt. “But thank you for everything. You had no reason to come and get me last night, but you did anyway.” I pause and pull away to look into his eyes. “I don’t know what I would have done.”

  “What do you mean I had no reason to come and get you? You said you needed me, so I came,” he says it with honest confusion in his voice.

  I realize that he really would drop everything if a friend needed him, wouldn’t he? It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t known me for very long. He’s loyal, beyond reliable.

  Even with a throat that aches and a hurt heart, I want to wrap my arms around Colton and not let go. Someone that is there for me—it’s exactly what I need. Being wrapped in his arms is something I could get used to. If it comes with being his friend, I’m thoroughly going to enjoy this friendship. Before I say or do something I will regret later, I step back.

  “We might as well head to the kitchen. I’ll tell Oliver a partial truth, okay?” I say.

  I tell Oliver that some random guy that I don’t know was extremely intoxicated and choked me. It isn’t exactly a lie. The person Sander is when he is on drugs isn’t someone I know or care to know. Colton isn’t happy about my little, white lie, but he doesn’t say anything. He sits there with pursed lips, looking down at his hands, holding a cup of coffee. Oliver, however, was ready to go and kick someone’s ass. Speaking up, Colton matched his offer.

  As the two men get rather worked up about it, I worry that Colton is seriously going to leave and find Sander and beat the shit out of him. I calmly say, “You can’t, because I don’t know who he was.” I narrow my eyes at Colton, so he knows not to correct me in front of Oliver. I watch him as he thinks of his options. I see the choices running through his mind—deciding between telling Oliver exactly what happened the night before and doing what I wished. He looks back to his coffee, not saying anything. But he’s not happy about it. I watch as Oliver’s and Colton’s shoulders cave from disappointment. I don’t know whether I should feel lucky to have two friends willing to stand up and protect me, or a bit frightened by their readiness to cause another person harm.

  Of course, there is something utterly attractive about a guy ready to fight for my honor. Colton ready to defend me makes me tremble; I know he can seriously hurt someone if he wanted to. He looks like he’s been in plenty of fights in the past—with his tattoos, lean muscles, wide shoulders, and bad boy attitude. He has the confidence of knowing that he can handle himself and that he’s not afraid of getting a little dirty to prove it.

  “I should probably head back to my dorm,” I say as I slip my cell phone out of my pocket. I was going to text Lauren and have her drive my car over to Colton’s to pick me up.

  “I can take you,” Colton says and stands from the couch, grabbing his keys from the side table.

  “You don’t have to do that,” I answer. I play with the phone in my hand, wondering if I should call Lauren or not.

  “I want to make sure no one is there,” he says.

  I frown. “Colton, he’s not going to be there.”

  “You don’t know that, and I don’t want him anywhere near you.”

  I start walking to the door. He doesn’t need to know that I plan on contacting Sander sometime this evening. Sander and I need to talk about what happened last night. I will have to call him and make sure he isn’t high or drunk before we can have a civil conversation, and then I can make him see that he really needs to stop descending this downwa
rd spiral. Colton warned me away from Sander because he’s worried, but he doesn’t understand that I know Sander. I know that Sander would want someone to help him out of this, and, as his girlfriend and the one he loves, I should be the one to help him before he gets himself into more trouble.

  A few minutes pass, and we pull up to my dorm and make our way up to my room. Colton looks up and down the hallway, looking for evidence of Sander. Though, how he would know what he is looking for, I have no clue. He’s never met Sander or even seen a picture of him. He can only be looking for anyone that looks suspicious.

  I unlock my door and step inside. Lauren isn’t home again, so it’s a good thing I didn’t call her and instead had Colton take me home. I swiftly glance around my room. Nothing is out of the ordinary; Colton doesn’t step inside.

  “Everything good in there?” Colton asks.

  “Yup, everything’s fine. I don’t think he even came by last night.”

  “Jackass,” Colton mutters under his breath.

  “Thanks for…” I look him in the eyes and then down at his lip ring, “everything.”

  He softly smiles, “Just be careful, babe. Call me, okay? We’re having another party this weekend, and there’s a gig next Friday.” He starts to turn around but looks over his shoulder. “If you need me again, don’t hesitate. All right?”

  “Sure.” I walk over to him and put my hands on his shoulders. I look into those hazel eyes for a moment and grin. I stand up on my tiptoes and lean over to place a small kiss on his cheek. I linger there, taking in the smell of his skin and hair. My hands trail down from his shoulders, down his arm, and then pull away at his wrist. I barely touch him, but it’s enough to send a slight tremor down my spine. I take a deep breath and look back at him.

  He’s looking at me with hooded eyes mirroring mine. He doesn’t say anything. He raises an eyebrow, a silent question, but he doesn’t wait for an answer.