Becoming More Page 13

  I look at his muscles that are constantly tensed and the tattoos. Sure, he looks like a total badass. He is definitely strong and kind of scary looking. That doesn’t mean Sander couldn’t hurt him though. Sander isn’t a small guy. He played football in high school. His shoulders are wide and muscular, and he still lifts weights on a regular basis. Any guy in their right mind wouldn’t pick a fight with Sander simply because of how in-shape he is… but then again Colton hasn’t ever seen or met Sander. I imagine no one would want to fight Colton either. The image of Sander and Colton attacking each other streams through my mind; I tense and cringe.

  “Just don’t fight him okay?” I say through my teeth.

  Colton’s smile disappears. “I already promised you I wouldn’t.”

  He is about to say something else when the rest of the guys come back into the front room. They are covered with dirt and I even see a few bloody scrapes. My nose scrunches up when I see Jake’s leg dripping blood. No one seems to mind that they are dragging in the outdoors. They must have literally been wrestling over that damn controller!

  “Hey Lilly,” Jake says.

  Oliver looks up then and comes stalking towards me. Oh good lord. He’s going to squeeze the shit out of me again. I tense up, but laughter bubbles out of my mouth as he lifts me into his arms and then tosses me over his shoulder and starts spinning around. I slap at his back and yell at him to put me down in between giggles. He doesn’t let me down though. Instead he holds me in place with his left arm and then reaches over and starts tickling my ribcage with his right hand. I’m laughing so hard that I start gasping for air; happy tears splatter my cheeks.

  Finally he sets me back down. That’s when it happens. My scarf gets stuck around his hand as he backs away, and it unwraps around my neck. I hear the intake of breath from everyone in the room. Even Colton gasps, and he has already seen the bruises.

  “Fuck,” Oliver says. “You didn’t tell me it was this bad.” He stares accusingly at me and then looks over at Colton.

  Clarissa’s hand covers her mouth and her eyes widen. “That ass!” she screeches out.

  “Stop,” I say to her. She looks at me dumbfounded. I forgot to tell her that Oliver doesn’t know who did it, and the other boys don’t even know that anything happened.

  Chris and Jake walk over. “What the hell?” they ask in unison.

  “It’s not a big deal,” I say and start grabbing for my scarf.

  “The hell it ain’t,” Jake says.

  Clarissa walks over and starts speaking. “That fucking ass and sorry excuse for a-”

  “Stop!” I yell at her and look over at Colton for help. He shrugs, signaling me that he isn’t going to lie to them. It’s up to me.

  “It was just some guy,” I say pathetically.

  “Some guy?” Clarissa asks baffled. “But…”

  I look at her, willing her to understand. “It was just some guy.”

  She shakes her head but doesn’t say anything else.

  “We have to figure out who did this,” Oliver says and looks at the other guys. They all nod with agreement. Colton looks ill.

  After everyone is done worrying over me, the boys go over and continue playing their video games. Clarissa walks over to me, and I usher her closer to Colton’s bedroom so that I can speak with her more privately.

  “What’s going on Lilly?” Clarissa asks.

  “I’m not telling them what happened. And it’s not your secret to tell,” I say steadily and start to walk away.

  An angry breath escapes Clarissa as she reaches for me with her right hand. “But you told Colton, and you told me… But you expect us to just sit back and do nothing? What kind of friends do you want us to be to you—the kind that just sit back and watch like Lauren does? Sorry, Lilly, that isn’t going to happen. We don’t work that way.” She crosses her pale arms over her chest and glares down at me. “And you shouldn’t ask that of me. And can’t you see how much this is bothering Colton? He’s trying to keep your trust by not saying anything, but he feels like he’s doing something wrong by not telling the guys that your boyfriend is abusive” She starts getting louder, “Because that’s what happened. Abuse. You get that right?”

  I stare at her, pleading for her to just stop talking, to just stop all of it. If I had known that telling Colton would make him feel however he’s feeling right now, I would have never called. I would have simply waited until I felt ready to walk home. If I had known Clarissa would react so drastically, I wouldn’t have told her either.

  I need a girl to talk to; I want Clarissa to understand. I pictured her telling me it was horrible what Sander did, but also understanding that I need to get him back—that I need to find my Sander underneath all the drugs and bullshit and pull him out from underneath the boulder that is bound to crush him.

  Instead, I’m told what I need to do and what I don’t need to do. I’m told to walk away from Sander, to not even look back. As if that’s even an option for me. I can’t do that to him or to me. I would never forgive myself for walking out on him, for not at least trying to get through to him.

  Clarissa takes my hand gently and then sits down on Colton’s bed, pulling me down with her. “I know we haven’t known each other for long. I know that what I have to say is most likely going through one ear and out the other. Please listen to me. Please?” she asks.

  I look at her and give a tight nod.

  She wrings her hands in her lap. “I want us to be friends. I think we’ve gotten close really quickly, and I like that. Do you agree?” She pauses.

  “Yes,” I say quietly. My friendship with this group has sprouted almost overnight, but it feels like we’ve been friends for years.

  “Okay good.” She smiles. “Then I can be honest with you.”

  “Of course you can be honest with me!”

  “Fine. Then here we go… You are going to ruin whatever is going on with you and Colton.” I start to interrupt her but she continues, “Save it sister. I’m not blind. You like him. He likes you. That’s not my point, and I’m really not interested in you arguing with me over something that is plain to see.”

  I let out a breath and my shoulders fall forward. I nod in agreement. “Yeah. Yeah I like him,” I agree.

  “Praise the lord! She admits it!” She giggles, “But in all seriousness, if you don’t get your shit together, he is going to walk away. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Colton is a pretty closed off guy. He always has been, even with me and the guys.”

  I start remembering all the conversation I’ve had with Colton and realize that Clarissa is right. He doesn’t give away anything personal. He demands to know what’s going on with me. It’s infuriating to be pushed to open up when Colton refuses to do the same thing. I inferred it was because he was angry or troubled about what happened with Sander, but that isn’t it. He’s been asking about me since the day I met him, over a week ago, and not even allowing me to ask any personal questions. It’s like he knows how to direct a conversation from getting too uncomfortable for him.

  “If he starts to feel like he can’t trust you, he will completely shut you out. A wall of steel will go up, and you will never be able to knock it down.”

  “He already has a wall up, Clarissa,” I say flustered.

  “Yeah but I think if anyone can get through the wall he has up—it’s you. I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you. He likes women. He’s been with a lot, but it’s never anything serious. He’s more of a bag-them-and-go kind of guy. He doesn’t ever take interest in who they are as people.”

  “Well this is a lovely conversation,” I complain and frown at her. “This is not making me want to break down the Colton wall.”

  “Are you even listening? He’s different with you. I think at first he wanted to make you just another girl, but that changed fast. He hasn’t tried has he? He actually cares about you and what you think, what you want, what’s going on with your life. I have never seen him so pissed off ab
out a girl before. He wants to kill Sander. Kill him. Can’t you see that?”

  I’m breathing harder, my chest is aching, and I’m at a loss for words. If what she is saying is true, Colton actually cares about me. Not because Clarissa is my friend, like I had originally thought. He doesn’t just want to play nice with me because it’ll make Clarissa happy, but because for some reason he’s decided that if he’s going to let anyone in, he wants that to be me. The thought is too much. This entire conversation is too much.

  I figured that Colton had been with a lot of women in his past but hearing about it makes me feel ill. I still question if he could really think of me differently than all the girls he’s been with. But then I hear Clarissa telling me that I am different. That Colton wants something more from me than just sex. I can’t sort out this stew of information and feelings. I don’t think Colton would let someone like me in, especially since we haven’t known each other for long. If anything he’s only angry at Sander because Colton doesn’t believe a woman should ever be manhandled.

  “I don’t want him to hurt Sander,” I say, though there are so many other things on my mind.

  She rolls her eyes. “You need to let Colton in because if you don’t, he will never let you start peeling away his walls.”

  “Maybe I don’t want to be the one to take down his walls. Maybe I’m not the girl that’s supposed to do that! I’m in a relationship!”

  “You were in a relationship. Sander took away his rights as soon he put his hands on you.”

  “Okay. Let’s say that’s true. Let’s just say that my relationship with Sander is over.” The thought has popped into my head recently, even before Clarissa said anything. I feel a sudden drop in my stomach at the mere thought of no longer having my Sander in my life. “You really think jumping into a relationship with Colton is the best idea? He’s never had a relationship. Hell, he probably doesn’t even want a relationship. We’d probably end up hating each other within weeks!”

  “That’s not what I’m saying.” She stands up, still facing me. “I’m saying be his friend. Get to know him as well as you can. Push him. See how far he lets you in. Become the best friend you can be, and if something comes from it—great. Perfect. If not, then at least you’ve made a good friend. It’s a win—win for you.”

  “And Sander just doesn’t matter? He’s nobody in this scenario? You’re telling me a relationship I’ve had for four years just disappears into nothingness?” An image of the night sky cascades through my mind; I see a sky with no more stars. The idea is painful and anything but soothing. Having a plain, dark, frightening expanse above us takes away the magic of the night, and that’s how I feel about Sander no longer being in my life. The magic, the sparkle, the good would no longer be in my life.

  Her eyes focus on my face, and her head quirks to the side. “Are you really debating on whether or not you should stay with Sander? Are you really considering staying with him after this?” she wonders.

  I look away from her intense stare. “I’m just not ready to give up on him,” I say truthfully.

  “You need to be careful, Lilly. Have you ever known anyone on drugs? Have you ever been around them when they reach their all-time low? I’m betting you haven’t, or you wouldn’t be so willing to stick around and watch it happen—or worse, let him take you down with him.”

  I ignore her. “We should probably go back out there. The guys are going to start noticing we’re missing.” I stand and walk to the door.

  “Just think about what I’ve said okay?” Clarissa says to my back.

  “I hear ya.”

  What Clarissa said about letting Colton in and not pushing him away echoes in my head as we make our way back to the living room. Colton is standing across the room and leaning against the wall looking overly pensive while a couple of guys play a video game.

  Clarissa is right. Keeping this secret for me is driving him mad. Watching him, it’s like he senses me approaching. He looks away from the television and catches my eyes with his own. I freeze. We both just stand there watching each other until I finally take a step towards him. Clarissa telling me to become his friend sounds better and better. The idea of it becoming more has my heart beating and my palms sweating even though the idea shouldn’t even exist as a possibility to me. I haven’t given up on Sander. Yet, a part of me continues to question whether or not Sander and I are going to work out. I never imagined that would ever happen, but as I move closer to Colton and butterflies begin to stretch their wings and flutter around my stomach, I find myself wondering ‘What if…’

  “Hey,” I say as I lean against the wall beside him. He rotates on his heels to include me in the imaginary conversation between him and the video game on the television. As a result, his entire left side is pressed against my right, the warmth of his skin heating my right arm and leg but quickly extending the feeling to my entire body. I lick my dry lips, “Colton, I’m sorry for putting you in this situation. It’s not right of me to ask you to hide things from your friends.”

  He shifts again and moves his body away from mine. He turns to face me and the side that was just moments ago touching me is now against the wall. As he looks at me, he responds, “I don’t mind keeping your secrets Lilly. I’m just not sure this is a secret that should be kept.” His breathing deepens as he looks down at my lips and then back into my eyes. “I don’t think you understand how hard it was for me to not drop you off here Thursday and speed back to Sander’s dorm and kick his fucking ass.” He slides closer, “I still want to. I would do it right now if… I knew you would still talk to me afterward. But I don’t think you would.”

  “Colton—,” I begin, but finding the words I want to say is impossible. He’s not mad at me for asking him to keep my secret; he’s mad because he wants to defend me, but knows I don’t want him too. He’s conflicted.

  “Do you love him?” Colton asks. His eyes blaze into mine.

  I gulp and he watches me for a reaction and an answer. “I don’t want to talk about this,” I say and look away from his eyes. They fall to the television that has earsplitting bombs and guns sounding from the speakers.

  “Even after he laid his hands on you, you still love him,” he says in disbelief.

  I sigh, “Love doesn’t just go away. That’s not how it works,” I admit. “I don’t know how someone just stops loving someone else, but I don’t know if I will ever not love him.” Saying it out loud makes me feel weak. Would I really continue to love Sander even if he hit me? Even if he becomes so involved in drugs that the old Sander is impossible to find beneath it all? Is it true love that I would stick with him, or is it just stupidity?

  “He doesn’t deserve that kind of loyalty from you,” he says softly, leaning toward me, his breath against my cheek.

  “Why? Because he’s made mistakes? Who hasn’t?” I feel utterly confused by the feelings I have for Colton and the desire to work things out with Sander.

  “Are you going back to him? Did you lie when you said you were going to stay away from him?” he asks calmly.

  “I haven’t spoken to him,” I reply, refusing to answer him.

  He nods as if that was answer enough. Does he believe me? Or is he nodding as confirmation to himself that I’m lying to him? He doesn’t walk away from me though, and I don’t feel him pull away or notice an even bigger wall go up around him. I have immense remorse because I’ve lied to him, and that he actually believes me. He’s choosing to believe that I won’t go after Sander. He’s choosing to trust the words that I’ve told him, and I’ve already taken his trust and tossed it in the garbage like it doesn’t mean anything to me. My stomach begins to sink when I wonder how he will react when he finds out that I have every hope to find Sander and talk to him, hold him, kiss him, and fight for what we have.

  Completely unaware of my inner struggle, Colton smiles at me. “Come out with me tomorrow. The band isn’t playing, because it’s a Sunday, but we are going to go hang out at the bar. You should come.”<
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  Holding back the smile that aches to spread across my face is impossible. I smirk up at him, and his returning smile is beautiful and mystifying. A simple smile should not awake my nerve endings like it does.

  “Hmm…” I feign thoughtfulness.

  “Oh? Are we playing the game where you pretend like you have something better to do?” He tries to say seriously, but the glint in his eyes gives away his tease.

  “Hey!” I shove his shoulder. “I could be doing a ton of other things.”

  “Could.” The right side of his lips lifts, “But you aren’t.”

  “Are you playing the ‘I stalk Lilly game’?” I question. “How else would you know what plans I have?”

  “You’ve caught me,” he laughs. “I have people watching your every move.”

  “Uh huh.” I nod. “Well they are doing their jobs I guess, because you’re right. I don’t have any other plans, and it sounds like fun.”

  “I’ll have to start paying them more. They told me you’d say that.”

  “You’re weird; you know that?”

  He laughs harder, “Am I? That’s not what women usually call me.”

  “Oh, pray tell, what do women usually call you?” I roll my eyes and try to ignore the bitter taste in my mouth with the thought of any other woman being near him. I don’t have the right to feel jealousy.

  “‘Sexy Beast’ rings a bell.”

  I burst into laughter. “Sexy Beast?” I grab my ribs as they shake from the roar of laughter flying from my lungs.

  When I calm down, I look up and see the guys and Clarissa watching us. Colton doesn’t seem to notice their stares, but I automatically tense when I see the knowing smiles on their faces. Knowing smiles showing that they see something is going on between Colton and me even though we are having an innocent conversation.

  He runs his hand through his hair making it look a bit wild. I grin and think, “Sexy Beast” is actually quite fitting for him.

  “So you’ll go tomorrow?”

  “Yeah, I’ll meet you there. Just text me the time.”